the invisible killer

i eat so much garlic that you can smell it through my pores the day before i consume it. in fact, i am waiting for evolution to kick in so that i will either be able to absorb garlic in a more humane manner, or walk around with my own personal force field in which i can breathe, fart, and perspire to my heart's content and escape the fate of being self-gassed through highly suspicious gills that will have developed along my neck. in lieu of nature's irritatingly slow progress, i have been known to cancel a shift at work, a night on the town, or a religious event housed in a confined religious building. when flight is not possible, i spend the entire time breathing only when i am in corners of the room and reserving whatever oxygen is left in my lungs for those times when contact with other human beings is absolutely necessary. today at work i was disturbingly close to passing out just so that the people near me would not be gassed. and people say i am not considerate.